Stop worrying.

So I have always been a strong believer that I should keep a good relationships and always stay in touch with my family back in Russia. 

I love those guys and all my past is connected to them. I remember writing a dozen of letters to them, sending emails and even sms when I just moved here in U.K. I could not imagine then that my life now will be without seeing them everyday and I will have to start building it all over again. Not everyone may understand what I actually mean unless they been in my situation. I possibly wanted to change a country, but not my friends and people I was close to at that stage. I had to start everything all over. 

I tried to keep in touch, I always was interested in their lives and what was going on there without me. I knew one day nothing would be the same and we will grow apart, but I still believed that maybe it won't happen so quickly. 

I find it sad to know that you have people who once were so close to you and knew everything about you and were your family now they are almost strangers to you. You contact them once a year if your lucky as their timetable so busy that sometimes a few minutes talking to you for them is like a lifetime. They say they will call, they say they will message but you know they won't and you know really they have no interest in your life anymore. They want to stay polite, but they don't care. They will spend an hour or two talking about their children to you and say that their children know you, but really those kids have not got a slightest clue who you really are to them and why their parents even talking to you. 

It is sad that we forget and stop carrying. It is sad that distance can kill something that once was very true and special. 

I can see them blaming me for knowing nothing about their children, but how can I know when I talk to them once or twice a year? 

Maybe I should stop caring as I always do the running, I always have time for them but they never have time for me? I am not sure that sounds very equal to me. 

Yes I am not mother, I have no responsibilities as children yet and I am not concerned looking "busy" to other people. Yes I have a bit more spare time, but just because I don't have a family yet, does not make me childish and free of any responsibilities. Somehow I think it's all about how much we care about someone rather then how much free time we have. We all know when we want we will have time. 

No I am not being childish and selfish here, I am being realistic and I have been feeling like this for a while now. I am glad I am saying it here. I am being open about it. I am finally facing the reality of it all. 

The verdic is that people who will want to be in your life be there no matter what. Others should just be left to their own device. 

It is polite to be polite, but it's also polite to be honest with yourself about certain people in your life. If they stop caring you should stop too. 

Seriously

I have not posted here for a while and I have realised its the time to get back into my posting. 

However I have been posting things in my blog before for a while and I have just realised that all my art I wanted to share with Internet somehow was shared privately. I am not sure if I was posting it incorrectly, but I must have done. 

This is the way I am and I am so sad that I can never fallow everything to the end and make sure it is done correctly. I am so impulsive it drives me crazy 😡

So I hope this post will be shared! It's a test post so I can make sure everything in my future posts will be seen! 

So let's see how this post will do! Oh God, have a mercy on me lol 

I am sorry for silly selfie with some friendly white folks at the back lol I just wanted to make this post at least a bit more exciting 😂😂😂

Judjaments

How bad is that we live in free society yet we are not allowed to do or say certain things because we are scared to be judged or bullied into something. Sometimes it is not just your neighbours opinion you are scared of, but it is actually the opinion of your own friend. I have an answer for you all here....we don't live in free society. We are trapped in traditional way of thinking and sometimes we think we have a right to judge someone knowing that we never been in their shoes or walked their path of life. We think that any decision they made was wrong because it was clearly thought of and we would never do anything like this. I guess never say never. I have learned this hard way, but I did now. Also I love when people tell me they believe in God, but yet they can not obey one simple rule - do not judge other people. I thought religiouse people should be the most kind people of all and accept everyone for who their are with all ther faults. I guess my view on religiouse people are slightly out of date. Today we all claim to believe in God, go to church every Sunday, don't miss any church celebrations, don't drink, don't have sex, prey every night and day.....however we still judge, get jealous, get envy of what other people's have, gossip and spread lies and think that church will somehow save us. Really? Is this how it should be? I can safely say I am save, because I don't claim to believe in God when I have yet a lot to work on and just preying won't save me. I consider what can save me is to remember judging others is very bad, being bad and unfair friend to others is bad, to look down on people is pure evil. Yes people claim to believe in God, but do they really believe in God? Do they really follow those rules in bible? I really hope one day I will meet that one pure and religious person who will prove me wrong. I have yet to find this out. 

Girl and the rabbit

I think today realised the importance to believe in yourself and your ability when I created this little girl and her rabbit. 

She is cute and beautiful and she is holding this rubbit so he can protect her and at same time make noticeable. 

I have realised that my art tells my story more. I don't think I never drew without a message inside of my art. I always wanted to say something. I can now. 

I draw because I love to create, but I also draw for attention and reaction, I want to know what people feel when they see that image...are they happy? Are they sad? Do they recognise my signature in it? 

I can because I can even recognise the way my lines shaped in it...my left hand worked hard on them lol I can recognise it because this image sat in my head after being inspired by work of a few other very talented illustrators which I follow online. 

Artist or illustrator no matter who you are and no matter how but your work comes from your knowledge and what you see around you. 

You should stop caring about other people opinion and just believe in your talent, let it come out, let it be you. Let it out, don't be scared, get inspired! 

Forgiveness

So I often ask myself a question are those who hurt us will hunt us forever if not forgiven? I think now I know that the true answer and only answer is yes. By being upset on someone over something they said or done you only end up hurting yourself. I am not less of the person if they no longer part of my life or they chose to be only partially involved in it. People make their own choices. I should not blame them for anything I should just let them go in my mind and forgive them for making them those choices. I can not judge then although sometimes it is extremely hard not to do. I should just think that if they were wrong in something or did something bad to me this will in their conscious. I forgive them and wish them happiness. I forgive them because maybe it was not a mistake maybe it had to be done. I forgive them that for a short or long while, but they showed me something new, they helped somewhere and somehow and for that alone they deserve to be forgiven. I get upset a lot as I am very sensitive person however I must remember that being upset is not going to be solution for them. In certain age I have come to realise that forgiveness is the key to happiness and harmony. I have a lot to learn still about this, however I am happy for today and thankful that today I had this thought in my head.

You are wrong, because I am right....or perhaps not

 

   Sometime you just lose connection, it goes. 

   You are sad, because you felt like you were so close and that person was so special, but then it went. 

   You are trying to talk, but all you do is argue or they seem to completely misread you. 

   You want to help, but it seems like instead of helping them you are pushing them away. 

    One thing is definitely it takes two to tango....if that other person wants to be there on the other side...then leave them be

    If they really are true to you they will come back and they will be honest. 

    One thing I never got or understood is when people start to lie or pretended to be your friend. 

    Why do this? We are not in the movie and no one cares if you were not polite to me on Saturday morning. Why be overly polite to the point it's almost sickly polite? We both know that is not you, we both know it is extremely fake? What is the deal in it? What the hell are you hiding from me? I am sorry but it almost feels like you are faking something.....I am being polite with you because we live in society with high moral standards.....oh come off it, we were friends once now we are just strangers.....

I feel like I don't know you....

    However I will leave that person to be whoever they want to be. Who am I to know what is best? If this is what they think is right then I will wish them only happiness and hope that the path they chosen will only bring them goodness.

 Sad though that in our society people chose to run when it comes to trusting someone. They prefer to hide and deal with the world on their own. Maybe it is best for them. I can not judge again here.

   At the end of the day I will trust you more if you are honest with me then if you chose to ignore me and this is not because I want to be nasty to you, because I chose safety rather then mystery. 

  So I believe friendship comes from trust, trust come from experience.....I guess not all experiences are nice, but I don't think you should judge everyone same and think that everyone out there wants to get you. Again forgiveness and trust should always remain....I think

   It takes two to tango.

   It takes two to be there for each other and feel each other's pain. 

   It takes two to want to be together. 

   If the other one wants to run, let them do it, because they may not be the right person for you and you should let them be free. If they come back and try to talk to you then maybe there is still a hope and they do care, perhaps they were just lost and needed time.

  Unconditional friendships only works then when in any condition you try your hardest to be there for your friend, friend won't ask for it, but you should remember it. If you can't give to our people and chose to be on your own then maybe you should be on your own. Although love is not about loving yourself, real love is about loving and giving to others without a condition :) 

 Anyways those are my thoughts for today....right or wrong who knows, they may change in a space of a week, we grow and we learn. I'm not perfect I am learning to understand world everyday. 

A letter to her....

   One day I looked back and I thought to myself how good that you had happened. 

   One day I looked at my life and I said you took away something I did not need, but thought I needed. 

   One day I remembered your face and I thought why was I so angry at you then you in fact brought so much happiness and wisdom into my life. Why was I ever angry at you? 

   You deserve all my forgiveness, because no matter what will happen in the future as we only live one day at the time I have already realised that he was never my person and he would never make me happy. We are way too different and we would fall apart anyway. 

   Why do we get angry with man who cheat on us, we should thank him for leaving us to someone else who is exactly the right person for us. Why would you want to ever be with a man who is thinking of someone else while he with you? That person is deeply confused in what he wants and you must be happy that he chose to go with someone else. 

   One day I will write that letter and say thank you for taking something I did not need because I never needed it. I don't know what will happen in future but you made me happy because I found myself through sadness and emptiness. I am not scared of being left by myself because I found me and I am very happy with myself. So thank you.